3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
