we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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