My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize