The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
