just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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