It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I love having hate sex.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
