ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
