Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
