I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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