How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
