I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
