you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
