guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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