I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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