you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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