At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
