i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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