hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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