im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
