Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
