you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
