i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
