We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
