I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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