is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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