I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Holy sore nipples Batman
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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