I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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