well I can't set my house on fire every night
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
