Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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