Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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