your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Banned from zoo.
Again?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
