Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
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