i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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