My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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