Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
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