the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize