she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
