Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
