you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
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