is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
