New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
