Im at strip club and am horny
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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