$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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