Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
