sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
