I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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