i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
