I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
