I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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