I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize