Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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