Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
