I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
