Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
