Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
